“I Don’t Know Anyone Like Me”: Supporting Adults Who Grew Up in the Foster Care System

kathrynejoneslmft
May 10
3 min read

Updated: May 17

By Kathryne Jones, LMFT, LPCC, Trauma-Informed Counselor & Veteran Ally

Growing up in foster care leaves a lasting imprint. The layers of abandonment, transition, and systemic survival don’t end when you “age out.” In fact, for many, adulthood is when the emotional weight begins to hit hardest — especially when you realize how few people around you truly understand your experience.

You may be navigating life with a deep feeling of isolation, even if you're surrounded by people.

You may wonder:

“Why does connection feel so hard for me?”

“Why do I feel like I’m always in survival mode, even now?”

“Where are the other people like me?”

If this resonates, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.

The Invisible Grief of Foster Care Survivors

Being a foster care alumnus often means you carry a grief that no one else sees:

Grief for a childhood that never felt safe
Grief for relationships that weren’t consistent or unconditional
Grief for a version of you that could have been nurtured differently

And unlike other types of loss, there are no rituals for this grief. No name for it. No shared cultural support.

That can make you feel like you're the only one.

But you’re not. There is a growing community of adult foster care survivors who are beginning to share their stories, find one another, and heal — and you deserve to be part of that.

Common Challenges Faced by Foster Care Alumni in Adulthood

1. Chronic Trust Issues

If people came and went constantly in your early years, it’s normal to assume others might too. This can show up as:

Sabotaging relationships before they can hurt you
Withholding vulnerability
Testing people to see if they’ll leave

2. A High Tolerance for Dysfunction

Surviving chaos as a child can make it hard to recognize red flags as an adult. You might “normalize” toxic friendships or unstable jobs — because it feels familiar.

3. Loneliness in Milestones

Many adults from foster care don’t have family to celebrate birthdays, holidays, weddings, or even be an emergency contact. That absence can feel quietly devastating — and invisible to others.

4. Survivor’s Guilt or Shame

If you "made it out," you may feel guilt for others who didn’t. Or you might carry shame for things that happened to you — even when none of it was your fault.

5. Feeling “Behind” in Life

Because you were often in survival mode, you may struggle with financial planning, education, career progression, or emotional maturity — not because you’re lazy, but because you were surviving.

What Can Help: Therapy, Community, and Gentle Tools

There’s no one-size-fits-all healing — but there are pathways that can help you feel less alone, more empowered, and more connected to yourself and others.

1. Trauma-Informed Therapy

A therapist who understands complex trauma and foster system dynamics can help you:

Rewire survival strategies into healthier coping tools
Grieve losses that were never named
Build secure relationships from the ground up

Ask for someone trained in complex trauma, attachment repair, or developmental trauma.

2. Supportive Peer Networks

You deserve to know other people who get it.

Try:

FosterClub's Alumni Network https://fostercarealumni.org/
NFYI (National Foster Youth Institute)
Reddit: r/FosterCare or r/Adoption
Local trauma survivor groups

Even one conversation with someone who understands can change how alone you feel.

3. Mental Health Tools for Daily Regulation

Start simple and safe:

Journaling prompts like:
- “What do I wish someone had told me as a child?”
- “What kind of adult do I want to be for myself now?”
Insight Timer (free app with trauma-informed meditations)
Polyvagal grounding tools (humming, rocking, safe self-touch)

🪶 You Deserve the Life You Weren’t Given

You didn’t choose the beginning of your story.

But you get to choose how it continues.

You deserve:

To be loved without needing to earn it
To rest without guilt
To ask for help without shame
To build a family — chosen or biological — that feels safe

🌱 In My Practice

I work with adults who’ve experienced early relational trauma, foster care, and emotional neglect. You’re not “too much.” You’re not “too broken.” You’re layered. And that’s okay.

Together, we can untangle survival habits from your true self.

Together, we can help you feel seen — and safe — in relationships.

Together, we can write a new chapter.